The Youth of America

February 14th, 2018

I was at a sports bar in a resort in Arizona waiting to get my shuttle to the airport to go back home from my work trip. There were multiple television screens displaying the winter Olympics and the news. A screen was positioned right in front of me, just slightly elevated. I looked up to see the “Breaking News” flash and a live feed of the school shooting in Florida. And my reaction was incredibly sad, “Oh, no, here’s another one”. But I was rather emotionless. It’s become so much a part of our news feed that I have, in some sorts, become desensitized to it.

At the airport, more news was breaking and the shooter was in custody. As I sat waiting to board the plane I thought of the first time something like this happened: Columbine. I was in the 8th grade at the time and I remember just how terrifying it was. Only a couple weeks after Columbine we were at play practice and one of the students thought they saw someone walking the halls. We were barricaded into a class room and the thought that something horrendous might actually happen was incredibly real. The utter terror could be felt in the air. We were lucky that it was a false alarm.

I was a stunned 8th grader, but after multiple incidences, I have become a relatively emotionless adult. And now the gun control and mental illness debate rages on. As someone who politically falls in the center and someone who has depression and anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts on both fronts. Yes, I believe everyone has a right to own a hand gun. But should anyone have a multi round rifle that I equate with Rambo films? No, absolutely not. And while gun control policies can help take these items out of the market place, there are already a lot out there that could be obtained illegally. But something has to change. And mental health issues, well, there’s a lot to be said about this and it was pure coincidence that I got a wealth of knowledge from my doctor today.

Today I had a follow up doctors appointment to go over a genetic test that I did to see how my genes and my mental health work together. I found out that I have a Serotonin defect and my body does not transmit Serotonin properly to my brain. As the doctor was showing me the results, she pointed out different medications and how they would work, or not work, in my body according to my genes. I sat there and instantly thought of the shootings and suicides in this country. And I thought back to a friend that I had in acting class who took his own life after being put on an anti psychotic drug. So much of our healthcare system, in terms of mental health, is a pure guessing game. Try this, see if it works, but they still have very little information with how these drugs work on our brains. I was lucky to find out today that the low grade of medication that I am on is a perfect fit for my make up. And then I looked at the long list of things that would not work for me. And the side effects varied from weight gain to aggression. It was eerie to see these things today. But definitely put things into perspective.

There is no way that I would want to be a child or teenager in this day and age. And while I’m not married, if I were to get married I’m not sure that children would be in my future. It’s just too scary and difficult. Going to school can be a struggle, but it should not  be a scary place where you think you may be shot.

For every time we talk about gun control, let’s also discuss psychotic medicine control. There is a link, I believe. And while there are an incredible amount of incarcerations in this country, let’s look at what should take precedence: is an ounce of weed more harmful than a semi automatic weapon? No, it’s not. Should these guns be sold? No, they should not. Should you be allowed to buy ammo online and have it shipped to your house in the same fashion you order clothing? No, you should not.

There’s a lot that needs to change in this country, and yes a lot of it has to do with policy. But we also need to change internally. We need to watch what we are consuming, whether it be food, alcohol and medication.

The youth of america has changed substantially in just the past twenty years. The pressures that are put on them are profound and what they, and my generation, will be left with doesn’t seem quite worth it.

We need to do better. We need to be better.

I Wanna Be Like Andy

The holidays were not particularly great for me. I was going through a lot and dealing with some heartache. All I managed to do for 3 days was lay on the couch and watch Parks & Rec reruns on Netflix. Not exactly healthy, but if I wasn’t focusing on watching it I would find myself bursting out into tears. I had to do something to distract my mind and reruns of one of my favorite shows did the trick.

I’m sure everyone goes through that funk from time to time, but as someone who deals with depression I had to constantly catch myself from falling into a pit of despair. “I’m going to die alone”, “no one loves me”, “I’m not good enough”; all of those horrible and untrue thoughts kept popping up in my head. So I laid there and focused on the show.

This is probably my third go around with watching this series, but something struck me while watching it in my depressed stupor. I want to be like Andy Dwyer. No, he’s not that smart and he doesn’t have any money, but he has a will to carry on. If you are not familiar with the show then just imagine a bumbling idiot with a big heart who lives in a pit. Yes, in the beginning of the series he is homeless and lives in a dirt pit next to his ex-girlfriends house. Now, it would be easy for anyone to lose hope when you are homeless; but not for Andy. He turns the experience into a song and takes life for what it is. Sure, it’s uncomfortable and odd, but he just slowly works his way up, figuratively and literally.

I need to be more like Andy because when I’m in my “pit” I just wallow. Very rarely do I see the hurt I’m in and realize that it’s temporary or know that it will teach me a lesson, I envision it being the rest of my life. When I’m sad or in despair I’m often consumed by it. Feelings are just feelings, they are not facts. But my feelings become the authority and it’s a bad habit that I’m trying to break.

The lesson from Andy Dwyer is knowing that bad things happen, but they are not permanent. And when bad things happen, the level of severity is really determined by how you view and react to the situation. Was the holiday break easy for me? No. Did I potentially make it worse by thinking the worst? Yes. Learning to make bad situations into art or into a lesson will make the blow a little less excruciating.

So, yes, I want to be the next lead singer of Mouse Rat.

Wishful Thinking

They say a dream is a wish your heart makes.

Well, here’s mine:

I wish I wasn’t terrified of everything. Natural life progressions scare me. Getting older and thinking of death, thinking of my loved ones leaving me. It’s enough to make me not want to move forward.

I wish I didn’t want to be an actor. The thought of not living up to a potential because of my fears…Well, that makes everything worse. Wanting something so badly but being too afraid to pursue it. I’d rather not want it to begin with.

I wish I didn’t measure myself up to every person I encounter. Their paths are different than mine. Their path just reminds me that I’m terrified all the time.

I wish I was actually able to give myself some damn credit, for once. I used to be agoraphobic. I used to have debilitating panic attacks daily. In the past two years, I have went to NYC, LA, Montreal and Austin all on my own. Give yourself some credit for that! You also wrote and filmed three short films. No, they’re not Oscar winning jewels of film, but damn it, give yourself credit for pulling that off!

I wish I didn’t have to think so much about every little thing. I’m constantly talking myself out of feeling nervous or getting panicky or getting sad. The internal dialogue that I have is overwhelming and I wish I was able to completely turn off my brain.

I wish I didn’t still live at home at 30. Not because I don’t love my mom and stepdad, but because of the way society makes me feel about it. I don’t make enough money and I’m trying to save and pay off my student loans. I can’t do all of those things and live on my own (not without a better full time job and/or a part time job). And I need to have free time for acting and my over all mental health. But society makes me feel like a freak. What would I do on my own? I would just end up going to hang out at my mom’s house anyway, because we are that close. But having to live at home for money and health reasons makes me feel like a prisoner. And I hate it.

I wish I was a different person about 85% of the time. Living in my head is exhausting. Living in a body riddled with anxiety is exhausting. But when I tried being a different person, well, that didn’t work either. I hated myself even more and despised the company I kept.

I wish I didn’t feel compelled to make lists like these. Looking at what I’m feeling and then finding the evidence in the arguments. It’s so much and all the time.